Bangkok Dangerous

Five-Word Synopsis: Cage attempts legitimacy, world weeps.

Point

Jim: The only way this could be even remotely redeemable is if it is actually, secretly a snuff film and Nicholas Cage is killed in the end. No hyperbole- I want him to be dead.

J/K! Death is too good for him.

F-

Counterpoint

Alex: I must disagree. Nicolas Cage is in some of the most amazing movies ever- not amazing in the “good” sense, but in the sense that watching them is a spiritual experience. Vampire’s Kiss is a film that is worth your time, and Wicker Man is an entire movie featuring him punching lady-cultists in the face and getting eaten by bees.
However, I like my Nicolas Cage like I like my women: totally crazy. He’s doing me no favors if he’s being somber and remaking a humorless version of Grosse Point Blank. In what way is this incredibly unoriginal concept going to devolve into Cage wrestling an enchanted tree in a Bhutanese prison?

F-

What We Have Learned

Jim: J/K #2! Killing Nicolas Cage would actually make every movie better, and as such is not a constructive fake review of this trailer.

Alex: Come on, seriously?

Jim: /K #3! Two words: Toy Story.

And then twenty-eight more words: after the skateboard chase, when all the toys are preparing for Andy’s Birthday again, superimpose footage of Nicholas Cage having his scalp ripped off by jenky cg children.

And then also cut to him tied to the ceiling like a pinata as Buzz Lightyear dices his body into cubes with his space laser. (25)