Guess what- I finally sold one of my scripts! This director-guy, Roy Scuffy, bought the screenplay of one of the first movies I ever wrote, a lighthearted sci-fi karate extravaganza. It was based almost entirely off of those old Commander Keen PC games from the early nineties, but he didn’t seem to care too much.

Apparently, he found an old copy of my script in the dumpster behind one of the movie studios he says screwed him over. He liked it so much, he bought the universal rights from me for 1,500 dollars, which he said I’d get as soon as he “got enough points” from the studios. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but it sure sounds Hollywood-y to me!

It’s sort of a hollow victory, though, because he said he was going to change a lot of the script- I guess he has his own story in mind, but he’s not too good at remembering what scripts are supposed to look like.

Actually… to be honest, he said he changed pretty much everything, and the parts he left in aren’t really consistent with what he cut out. I’m not sure he really proof-read it too well. I attached a few pages from the new script below, and as you can see, it lacks much in the way of both verve and pep, which are both trademarks of my screenplays.

But, hey! As soon as I get that cashier’s check, I’ll be officially a professional movie-writer. Suck on that, everyone who doesn’t like me.

As an aspiring screen-writer, I know that not every script I write will get accepted. In fact, somewhere around 85 of my scripts have not gotten accepted. But it’s alright. You’ve got to get yourself back on that horse, even if said horse sent you a recording of your entire script being read in a sarcastic, simpering voice while interns laugh in the background, and even if the horse won’t even bother making mocking recordings of your scripts anymore, and has just taken to sending you dance remixes of the old ones. I don’t know who wants to listen to the backing track to Buffalo Soldier laid underneath some Hollywood dickhead lisping out the opening scene for “I, Glorious Gladitorious.” But it’s okay. I have a good feeling about the children’s fantasy quadrilogy I’m working on right now- it includes at least one original idea, and as many as two.

In an effort to entice buyers and delight children everywhere, I’ve posted below an excerpt from my most recent opus (Not counting the sequel I wrote for Mr Holland’s Opus). Every rejection letter I’ve gotten says the same thing: there is no need, at all, for a civil-war-era prequel to Saw. What they fail to realize, however, is that it is also over four hours long. That’s a lot of movie for your money, producers.

Hit me up!