“Mishitllaneous Poopourri”

The Final Part of the Definitive Interview

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*Click click-a click click-a Click click-a-click-a-click-a.

Click here for More Clicking (ie Better Version of This Part).

“Pooping at Work”

Part Two of the Definitive Interview

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*Musical bumpers stolen from Nat King Cole and Michael Galasso.

Sorry, ‘Cinema’.

“General Poop”

Part One of the Definitive Interview

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*Musical bumpers stolen from this guy, via the Something Awful forums.

(He is also this guy, and, knowing the internet, probably some other guy too).

Swing Vote

Five-Word Synopsis: Bowser Versus Frasier, For President.

Alex: The title of this movie is the perfect litmus test for how cynical you are about the movie industry. If your first thought on seeing the title was, “This is probably going to be a toothless, politically-illiterate movie about an election that comes down to JUST ONE VOTE!, just like that Onion article,” then you have absolutely no faith left in humanity, and should try to stop being such an asshole all the time.

Oh, also, you’d be totally correct.

But maybe it won’t all be bad. Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper are pretty good choices for fictional presidents, Arianna Huffington apparently makes an appearance, which is confusing but potentially sexy, and Nathan Lane’s character is named Art Crumb, a name that I am unashamed to say made me smile just a bit.

But, let’s be honest with ourselves: F+

Counterpoint

Jim: Spoiler Alert- Kelsey Grammer is going to win. He is earnest and introspective, and Dennis Hopper does not have any dimly lit open heart moments. Dennis Hopper only gets chastised by his (ex-)wife (Kira Nerys?) and tries to shoot skeet but falls down.

Also, I love how Hollywood is so formulaic that, even when they have a high concept movie with not only a very solid, if preposterous, hook—Kevin Costner IS Swing Vote— but also the absolute perfect release window in the two months leading up to the Election Day, they still have to make it also about Swing Vote’s relationship with his daughter and how this responsibility makes him a better dad.

Alex is right, this will probably be better than it has any right to be, except that right is the 12th Amendment, and that’s like the most limp dick amendment. So: Fart noise.

What We Have Learned

Alex: If you’re politically savvy enough to know what a caucus is, you’re probably better off avoiding this one. It’ll probably just give you a headache.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Five-Word Synopsis: Shanghai Noon Meets American Treasure.

Alternate Five-Word Synopsis: The Above Synopsis Is Retarded.

Rising from the grave comes the second, or maybe the fifth, movie in The Mummy non-series. I know that the original movie’s DVD was in a lot of people’s bookshelves in High School, but that doesn’t mean that anyone remembers it or wants to see it. This is also why Multiplicity 2 barely made it out of pre-production.

I half-watched the beginning of The Mummy about fifty times while I was making out with various feminist icons/comely librarians(?), so I can’t tell you what the movie was really about past something about mummies, sand, and cats. But I don’t think I’m over-stepping my bounds by saying it was relatively forgettable, which would explain why I haven’t heard anyone mention it in about seven years.

So the series is ethically deplorable in its existence, there was apparently a second movie that I don’t even remember coming out, the trailer depicts a movie both tepid and hackneyed, and “Tomb of The Dragon Emperor” is, in its capacity as a movie title, not even trying.

With all that having been said, though, there were what appeared to be lava-horses in there, and Jet Li will probably shoot Brendon Frasier with lightning bolts at some point during the film. That doesn’t exactly save the film, but it might help soften its sad tumble into obscurity just a bit.

F+