If you’re like me, and you are constantly in line at the pharmacy trying to cash in index cards with “500 Percocets, please” written on them, then you know that the pill line is, impossibly, even stupider and more depressing than the rest of the store.

During my average seven hours per day waiting in the world’s slowest line, I have a lot of time to kill. I spend most of the time staring dead-eyed at the endless rows of books targeted specifically at the elderly and the heavily-medicated. Below is a brief sample of some of the more mind-numbing entries, along with approximitely how much time they will help you kill (Hint: not nearly enough).

Fun Bible Sudoku

Amazon User Review: How do they think of these things? Like a famous song says, ‘best of both worlds.’ You get to test your Bible trivia and playsudoku.

Never say that the religious publishing industry is not quick on its feet. The biblical crossword book is a gimme, considering that if you made a venn diagram of people who can’t do a normal crossword and people who prefer puzzles where the answer to every clue is “Jesus,” you’d end up with a single circle.

But what to do with that mysterious riddle-grid from the mist-shrouded Orient, the sudoku? Clearly, “Not cashing in” was not an option, so the good people at Barbour Publishing did the next best thing: awkwardly cram biblical questions into a friggin’ number puzzle. Oh, also, they give you the book and verse number where the answer can be found.

This is a great example of how to turn lemons into lemonade in as little time as possible. This book is the equivelent of just dumping a lemon into a bucket of pond water and trying to sell it at the beach.

Amount of Distraction Time Offered: In seconds, the same amount of sons Blohezial’s wife Cartoria bore him (John 8:44)

Over the Next Hill And Still Rolling: Jolly Jokes for (Not So) Older Folks

Amazon User Review: Actually, there are zero reviews for this book, which is the same number of
letters my grandkids have sent me this year (Zing!)

Let me start this off by saying that I have nothing against old people. There’s nothing better than old guys, because they don’t give a shit what you think. I can’t wait until I’m eighty, when no cop will arrest me for drinking bourbon in public and I can hit on college girls and everyone will just think it’s charming.

That being said, it turns out that most people are idiots, and growing older isn’t going to change that. The Teenage Soup For The Lip-Gloss Aficionado’s Soul reader of today is the “Over The Next Hill And Still Rolling” reader of tommorow.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe there are actually some excellent bon mots about golf or some dark humor about the elderly behind that innocuous cover:

Little boy: Grandpa, were you on the ark?

Grandpa: Of course not!

Little Boy: Then how come you weren’t drowned?

Or maybe there’s a lot of stupid shit like that.

Amount of Distraction Time Offered: About six minutes, which is how long it should take to read
the entire title, and then stop laughing at how incredibly humorous it is.