Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don’t

Amazon User Review: “Out of all the books, tapes, and resources that I’ve purchased on the topic of ‘creating your ideal life’, Michael Losier’s ‘Law of Attraction’ is the absolute best ‘nuts-and-bolts’ treatment I’ve ever read. Period.”

Based on the amount of phrases in quotations the above reviewer used, he’s either being incredibly sarcastic, or he’s trying to sell me drugs. The third alternative— that they’re actually excited about a book so bad it had to rip off The Secret— is too depressing for me to acknowledge. Honestly, how many dozens of these power of positive thinking books are neccesary? And keep in mind that they’re not the realistic, helpful sort of “Believe in yourself” books. They are the ones that are very literal about it, about how the great minds of the world only succeed because they pray about it really hard, and how poor people don’t have food because they forgot to think hard enough about how good it would be to eat.

This kind of “Wish yourself thin— no, wish harder” nonsense attracts such a predictable market, I’m not sure why they don’t bundle this book with a copy of the DaVinci code, a Dr. Phil tome and a bottle of cheap red wine and sell it as The Housewife Combo.

90 Minutes In Heaven: An Inspiring Story of Life Beyond Death

Amazon User Review: This is a welcome book to add to anyone’s library… a ‘go to’ when encouragement runs out the back door until only a mist is left in the house. I recommend this book to anyone who wishes to feel better about their efforts to worship our Lord and Saviour.

I feel the tiniest bit guilty for going out of my way to mock something that must be helping SOMEONE cope with death, but two things make me feel less bad:

A) It’s a ridiculous, cloying title that I am physically incapable of taking seriously, and
B) The author is probably a much bigger asshole than I am.

In fact, most of the non-glowing Amazon user reviews make mention that the majority of the book is about the author recovering from a car accident. It’s almost like he shoehorned in a bunch of pearly gates crap a straightforward memoir about physical therapy and the power of believing in yourself, because “One Step At A Time: A Story of Recovery” would sell much worse than “I’ve Been To Heaven And You Haven’t: The Book.”

Amount of Distraction Time Offered: A heck of a lot less than 90 minutes, I’ll say that much! A ha ha ha.

23 Minutes in Hell

Oh, Give me a fucking break.