Speed Racer

Five-word Synopsis: Lisa Frank Presents: F-Zero

POINT

Jim: Movies like this beg for producers to realize the artistic strengths and limitations of different media.
As a movie, who the fuck cares about Emile Hirsch triumphing over I-Couldn’t-Afford-Tim-Curry? Even if the race scenes weren’t airbrushed by South Beach t-shirt shops, they’d still wear out their welcome by the second or third time you saw them in an ad or trailer.

But, if these were camped up just one notch, and used as cut scenes in a game the quality of an F-Zero X (but contemporary)– that would be fucking awesome.

F

COUNTERPOINT

Alex: Speed Racer seems to be taking a page out of 2 Fast 2 Furious’s barely novelization, “2 Fast 2 Furious: A Step-By-Step Guide To Racing CGI Cars… All The Way To The Bank!” (Or 2F2F: ASBSGTRCGIC…ATWTTB!, as no one calls it). I suppose Speed Racer has the excuse of stylistic choice in using play-doh-looking CGI cars. At least it’s not SUPPOSED to be realistic. Although that doesn’t mean CGI car races in movies are remotely interesting, especially when the rest of the movie is live action. They should just drop the pretense and cut to some Mario Kart 64 footage whenever there’s a race.

But I’m giving Speed Racer the benefit of the doubt, because it seems to know exactly how ridiculous it is. Sure, it’s stupid, but so is Speed Racer. What are they going to do, make it gritty? I’m very thankful that they didn’t try to American McGee it and make Speed Racer a murderous satanist who used his race money to buy razors and heroin. And, at the least I am seeing some truly intense colors here. At least it LOOKS like a cartoon, for what that’s worth.

B-

WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED

Alex: At best, it’ll be a break-through stoner hit, delighting tens of thousands and making the world, in some small way, a better place to live in. At worst, it’ll be Tank Girl.

Jim: It’ll be a two hour timesink in which you are so immersed in Trapper Keeper aesthetics that you grow a rat tail.

Alex: Right– Tank Girl.