Tropic Thunder

Dear Ben Stiller,

So you’ve found yourself playing Derek Zoolander again, but this time he is an actor (instead of a model). I guess your last role was ‘Yet Another Coiled Spring Milquetoast ie the Male Lead From There’s Something About Mary,’ and your next is ‘Uninspired Voiceover in a Forgettably Mediocre Slash Insipid CGI Suckfest’, so as long as you keep that schedule rotating, making sure to fit in a credibility renewing cameo in a high-brow sitcom once every two years, your career should be the picture of health.

Love,

Jim

P.S. That picture is The Portrait of Dorian Gray; you are a monster.

Dear Jack Black,

So you’ve accepted a role parodying yourself. If I thought your juvenille, overconfident, delightfully semi-competent narcissist character hadn’t swallowed you whole years ago, rendering your lifeless shell the alternatingly coke-fuelled/pot-dampened embodiment of tedium, I would backhandedly congratulate you on managing to scrape up that much of a sense of humor to have left.

But hey, look at the bright side, at least now I don’t have to come up with a sentence conveying ambivalent disgust at yet another cute act of pointless meta-comedy!

Whoops– I just did! did! did! <— and then each of these are smaller than the last, signifying the diminishing return of infinitely echoing self-awareness.

Love,

Jim

P.S. I can’t watch the second episode of Mr. Show without crying; you are like Kurt Cobain, except ‘going through the motions’ is your anti-drug (instead of ’shotgun blasts to the face’).

Dear Robert Downey Jr.,

So you’ve decided to wear Blackface.

Good luck with that.

P.S. Is this your Putney Swope?; how does it feel to be the Anakin Skywalker to Robert Downey Sr.’s Cloud Of Midichlorians?

Robert Downey Jr. (presumed response): Well, according to IMDB, I’ve had sex with Sarah Jessica Parker, Marissa Tomei, and a young Anthony Michael Hall– so don’t think I’m not aware of how disappointing I am.

Also, this.

Dear Actual Black Guy,

So your role was filled by someone nobody’s ever heard of. Shocking. Have fun answering/deflecting the same question for the rest of your career.

Blah,
Blah

P.S. My mistake, your role was filled by the second lead of Roll Bounce; all apologies.

Dear Nick Nolte,

A job’s a job; hey, whatever keeps the parole officer off your back.

F,
minus.